“Every time I go to town, I gotta…..”

This one is all mine.  What started out as a routine video of “the cutest little boy ever” turned into a moment that still makes me laugh to tears.  My Mr. C. He’s all that.

The gotcha is all the way at the end… wait for it…

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“Suburban Home Warrior…Part 2″

Submitted by June C.

A few years ago we had a recurring invasion of squirrels. One weekend my husband decided to crawl up into our attic and set some traps, as he put it, “to break their little necks after having tried and failed to use the more ‘humane’ living capture traps.”

A few days later, he heard a horrid racket coming from the attic where, upon inspection, he had captured a squirrel but not annihilated it, so it was flopping around trying to get free.   That’s when I started hearing the “thump-thump-dangit” sounds a few times.  Then I heard the “CRASH/CRUNCH” near the front door.

I walked from the kitchen to the foyer and saw my husband’s arm – with a hammer in it – coming through the ceiling through a huge gaping hole.

“What happened?” I exclaimed.

His reply: “I thought I could just finish him off with the hammer!”

The squirrel got away but I got some new sheetrock and paint in the foyer.

Oops.  He missed and the squirrel with the trap fell between the walls in the only space they could fall through.  A few days later, we were inundated with flies.  Did you know a vacuum cleaner makes a good fly swatter for live flies around the chandelier in the entry way – hundreds at a time!?!

Important lesson:  in the attic, the direction of the hit should be PARALLEL to the sheetrock, not perpendicular.

squirrel

Ninja Squirrel.

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“Suburban Home Warrior…Part 1″

Submitted by “June C.”

For those who also have a husband who is a Suburban Home Warrior, I think you can appreciate and relate to the following story…

One Saturday morning my husband decided to get up early and rid our driveway, walkway and front sidewalks and flower beds of all those unsightly weeds.  Wanting to not make a day of it, he opted for the dreaded Round-Up, guaranteed to destroy the life out of even the slightest hint of organic material.  Being in the Northwest, I know that many see Round-Up as a four-letter-word, but just go with it for now.

Anyway, that stuff is so toxic that my husband put on his tacky, worn, and frayed tennis shoes so as not to ruin his regular outdoor shoes.  So, he donned his frayed tennis shoes, grabbed the Round-Up, sprayed the weeds in record time, and walked through the front yard and around to the back yard storage area to keep the toxins safely away from the house.  Well….

You can imagine my surprise the next morning when I looked out the front window and saw some ‘beautiful yard art’ in our front yard.  

Apparently my husband forgot to hose off his shoes after his de-weeding adventure and the residue of the RoundUp on the bottoms of his boots made a trail of perfectly formed footprints  – of BURNT, DEAD, GRASS – right through our front yard!   

Oops.

footprints

 

 

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“Mommy, something doesn’t look right…”

Yet another great story from a friend who wishes to remain anonymous… :)

I had my daughter when my son was three years old.  One day when he saw me change her diaper for the first time he said,

“Mommy, why does she have two butts?”

confusedboy

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“Super User, The IT Guy…”

This one will be especially enjoyable for all the IT folks who constantly endure interviewing candidates who, shall we say, exaggerate their expertise.  Submitted by Jaron B. 

It started off as a normal day. There was a new guy starting his first day on the job – well, as soon as he got through his inaugural training. We’ll call him “Super User”.

JimmyFallon2

Super User was filling a vacant spot in the Finance department. So after his brief meeting with HR, he’s brought to IT to knock out that “here’s your company phone, here’s how you log on to a computer, and please don’t email company information to any Nigerian royalty” training that we all have to go through. Well, during that little bit of training, he let slip that he actually has a background in IT which is totally awesome. Computer-savvy users are always appreciate. If someone in Finance is having a computer issue they can try asking Super User first which will help take some of the workload off of us.

Later that day we were having a little departmental catch-up chit-chat. Another admin mentions he was just at Super User’s desk helping him with a problem. He also mentions that he just showed him how to lock his computer.

There was a brief pause.

“Wait, you mean the Windows+L combo?”

“Yeah.”

“Just, locking the workstation?”

“Yeah. He didn’t know you could do that. I guess he just completely logs off when he steps away?”

JimmyFallon1

Now for some folks that’s totally understandable. But if you’ve been in the workforce or owned a computer for any length of time, and especially if you claim to be ‘computer savvy’, locking your computer is 101 level basic stuff. It’s one of the first things you learn and you do it so often that it’s no longer a conscious decision, right?. You leave your desk for a cup of coffee and you lock your computer. It just happens.

It’s a little weird he didn’t know how to do that, but hey, we’re all human. I didn’t think much about it until later that evening when I was the lucky on-call tech.

I get a call from the woman that was pulling double-duty filling the position until it was filled by Super User. She tells me she needs to get on the shared computer in that department. I know she has signed on before, there’s nothing that’s preventing her from using it, and so I ask what the problem is.

She said that the last person to use it was Super User. Well, OK, why does that matter? She then tells me that he spent the afternoon showing off this awesome little computer trick he learned that day. A very cool little thing. How to lock a computer. And guess what he did to the computer before leaving for the day, instead of logging off?

Yep, he locked it. So she needs him logged off before she is able to use it.

I think I’m going to wait until the next guy is on-call before I teach Super User the magic of CTRL+Z.

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“More than he bargained for…”

Years ago, one of my best friends and I decided to celebrate our 30th birthdays together, which was a bit of a challenge because she lives in the midwest and I live in Seattle. So, we picked Las Vegas. Relatively cheap tickets and hotel, and pretty much equal distance for each of us to travel.  We ended up staying at the Excalibur.

If you’ve never been to the Excalibur, the hotel rooms there are located in two towers on either side of their casino floor.  Even ‘way back when’ you had to present your credit-card-shaped room key as your security ID to the security guard posted right in front of the access to the hotel room elevators.  OK. Here’s where the story gets interesting.

After spending the evening doing our requisite turn at the quarter-per-play blackjack computers (we’re big spenders) and enjoying our watered-down free beverages, we were ready to head to our room and crash for the night.  The casino floor was its usual crowded state, so I followed single file behind my friend (we’ll call her “Listie”) toward the security guard station.

I watched from behind as Listie began digging in her purse for the room key.  She began to struggle a bit. I vaguely noticed her hand come up, but then she immediately shoved it back into her purse.  I looked up and the eyes of the security guard were wide, but I could tell he was trying to suppress a laugh.

Finally, the security guard nodded and waved us through and we proceeded to the elevators.

Once inside the elevator, Listie doubled over and laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall over, her face beet red.

“What’s so funny?,” I said. “Did you have a problem with the room card?”

Listie lifted up her card.  Well, the security guard got more than he bargained for.  When Listie pulled her room key out of her purse, apparently the lining off the back of one of her panty-liners had come off and had STUCK to the plastic key, which she had flashed in the guard’s face!

Oops.Shockedkitty

 

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“Not Mine…”

Here’s a classic ‘most embarrassing moment’ submitted by a friend of mine…

Back in college, a friend and I were laying out in the sun in our bikinis. We decided to make a run to the store to get food/drinks. We threw on our jeans and shirts over our swimming suits and off to the store we went.

The lines at check-out were long and as we inched our way to the cashier my friend’s underwear fell out from the bottom of her jeans onto the tile floor. She had obviously forgotten to take them out when we changed into our swimsuits!

Well, she turned beet red and tried to subtlety push her panties away from her with her foot. However, this only made them more obvious. At that point, she completely ignored them. There sat her underwear in full view of everyone while we went through the line.

She was still beet red the entire time and practically ran out the store when we were done.

eatplaythaw

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“Mushroom Soup….?”

Submitted by ‘Anonymous’….

A friend of mine’s husband is a dentist and has been practicing for several years now. When he first started out, he operated a small office with a great staff, but at times it did feel like they were working in all-too-close quarters.

Case in point:

A few years ago she told me about this true story that happened and I laughed so hard I thought I’d lose my breath (I still laugh that hard when I think about it!).  Anyway, one evening for dinner she had made her homemade mushroom soup. It was one of her husband’s favorite things she makes and he came home that evening particularly hungry, so he basically finished off the pot before going off to bed.

Well, for anyone who’s had a few too many mushrooms, especially when eaten with heavy cream….

The next day at the office he could feel ‘the effect’ and knew he had to somehow quickly escape between patients to let the gas escape. Putting on his best nonchalant face, he quietly ducked into the bathroom which was located right across from the reception desk.  He took his time, making sure that all of the “blue smoke” made its way out so he wouldn’t have a panic-stricken moment with his next scheduled patient.

However… From behind the presumed ‘protective barrier’ of the restroom door, he noticed that the chatter at the front desk had suddenly gone quiet.

Suddenly, he heard his receptionist say, “That’s weird. Does anybody else smell that?”

Oh, ‘dear God,’ he began to sweat. You’ve got to be kidding.

“Smell what?” the office assistant replied.

The receptionist responded:

“Does anybody else smell mushroom soup?”

eatplaythaw

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“Meet The Henchmans….”

Not sure whether to file this under “Awkward Family Photos,” “Meet the Henchmans” or “There’s not much we wouldn’t do for our son.” 

Either way, Happy Friday.  More stories next week. Be prepared.

Embarassing Family Photos in Seattle.

Halloween 2013

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“Can I help you…”

I think if you’re going to write a blog about meeting new friends, it’s a good idea to share some fun stories about the crazy, fun, hilarious friends you’ve enjoyed along the way.  It’s just good motivation to get out there and meet people. Yes, some people collect stamps, beanie babies or art.  I collect fun friends.  They make life a lot more interesting.  On the whole, the people I spend time with past “hi, how are ya,” are the people who have a great sense of humor about life and about themselves.

So, in this spirit I’d like to share this Fabulous Funny Friend Story.  Every word is true.  Every. Single. Word.

My friend (we’ll call her Mo for maintaining her dignity) had a delightful experience a few years ago that, were it not for her amazing sense of humor, would’ve driven her to an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s.   Mo is a runner, a cycler and has competed in several triathlons.  Like many a stay-at-home mommy, Mo strives to get her three kids dressed, fed and out the door, then immediately take off on a run or a 25-mile soul-infusing adventure on her bike.

Well, this particular day was a bike day.  Like many a stay-at-home mommy, Mo headed out in her ‘uniform’ of yoga capris, t-shirt and zippy fleece vest with, of course, no makeup and a baseball cap.  There’s a certain dignity and groundedness a contemporary stay-at-mommy commits to which includes not doing one’s hair before exercise.   One doesn’t wear $80 Lulumons to exercise.  One doesn’t slap on the pan-pan just to sweat it off.  It just isn’t done.

Well, after her delicious 25-mile excursion, Mo decides she wants to treat herself to her favorite “I’ll have an all-the-fat, thank you” mocha latte at her favorite coffee shop (which shall remain nameless to protect barista-abuse).  As she’s waiting in line, she’s performing her requisite late morning homage to the outside world that cannot go on without her (ie: head down in phone).  As she finally gets to the front of the line, she looks up to speak to the barista just as the barista is looking up from her till to Mo, and the barista asks (wait for it):

“Can I help you, Sir?”

Coffee Klatch

WHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT?

After a split second the barista realized her mistake and apologized profusely.  Instead of being insulted, however, Mo took it in stride and laughed hysterically with the barista, aglow in all of her post-workout-sweaty glory.   Mo has learned to take a lot of life’s surprises in stride.  You see, she was born with a ventricular fibrillation, a condition which for years made her heart have painful “quiver” episodes rather than contract properly.  In the last five years, she’s been diagnosed with Multiple Schlerosis, a blog clotting disorder and 18 months ago had a double mastectomy after a routine mammogram.  No, you just can’t make this stuff up.  She is one of my heroes and lifelong friends.  She knows how to ‘roll with it.’

Take a risk and invite someone new to dinner, or lunch or something else this week.  You never know.  You just might be lucky enough to meet a Mo.

 

 

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